until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Unimpressed
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.