If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You Might Also Like
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or