Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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I need to update my racial profile.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”