IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
You Might Also Like
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
😍😂🥰😂😍
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
awkward
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.