when someone rings the doorbell
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Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!