Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Mmmm canned fish.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.