[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?