I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The two types of wives
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!