My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
my astrological sign is a french fry
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*