[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Wednesday
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.