It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.