Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Everyone’s family
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew