my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
groan^2