Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
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*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery