kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays