Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.