Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.