Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
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ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.