I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed