Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math