Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?