I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!