Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate