Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I’m awake but I object,
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
This makes total sense…