I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Traveler’s camo
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me 2 months after i graduated
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.