23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
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I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.