I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
cats when you pet them too long:
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…