I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
You Might Also Like
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Don’t make me out nice you.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Friday
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
LOOOOOOL
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird