Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
That lamp looks PISSED.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.