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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
water it, i dare you
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.