This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
You Might Also Like
me and who
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’ve had worse
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.