My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Don’t talk down to me
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
finally found a reasonable question
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.