no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You Might Also Like
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep