The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.