“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Netflix: We have Less
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.