2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]