Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
6: are snakes just neck?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly