Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
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Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
so i’m at the stock market right
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Left at a local drug store…
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”