Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
You Might Also Like
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?