Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”