Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
had to share :’)
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.