Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
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I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.