Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
You Might Also Like
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Your honor these allegations are
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate