God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.