This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
March 16
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…