If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy