Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts