Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.