I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.