It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.